Well, you know it’s Christmas
And my heart is open wide!
Gonna give you something
So you know what’s on my mind!

Homeless Santa came to our office party dressed for the part – traditional red suit, black boots, and bag full of toys. He gladdened hearts with his rosy cheeks and his hearty “Ho, Ho, Ho!” He had a magical touch with children, and my daughter beamed as she sat on his lap.

To begin with, Christmas is celebrated with electricity. We celebrate Chanukah with candles. Itty-bitty, shitty candles, as if we are living in a cave in the fifth century and hydroelectric power is unknown to us.

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Jesus!
Happy birthday to you.

On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel,
Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings, and a barrel.
And if Grandma’s Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass,
It can be re-gifted straight to Santa’s ass.

‘Though I am a frequent flyer with Delta they did not mind offending me, a Christian, with an email stating “Happy Holidays From The Delta Family”.’

Feigning joy and surprise at the gifts we despise
Over mulled wine with you
On the twenty-fifth day of the twelfth month
The sleigh bells are in time, ringing true.

String up the lights and light up the tree
We’re going to make some revelry
Spirits are high, so I can tell
It’s Christmas time in Hell.

“When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter; I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.” (You know that the State of California has a home invasion law where it’s actually legal to shoot someone just for entering your residence—and I mean perfectly legal.  Did you know that? Well, it’s true.) “Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.”

From out of the cold dark night he comes, dragged through the bitter abyss by a herd of cloven hoofed beasts, their jagged horns tearing through the winter winds.
An obese, hairy figure of pagan lore, clad in animal hides of the deepest crimson, cracking his whip with a perverse laugh—ho ho ho!
He comes with a list of children who know that bolted doors cannot keep him out.

It’s Christmas in Heaven
There’s great films on TV
The Sound of Music twice an hour
And Jaws I, II, and III.

Last Friday, Smalley totally dressed me down for wishing someone a Merry Christmas. I told him I thought we were supposed to say that, and he was like, “You’re supposed to say ‘Happy Holidays.’ It fosters an environment of religious inclusion.” I got a news flash for you, Smalley: It don’t make no difference if you tell them “Happy Ass Day.” They’re there to get a Christmas tree, not a holiday tree.

O Tuesday Night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night to watch TV and play cards.
Fall on your knees
And do a jigsaw puzzle
Just stay inside tonight
It’s half past nine.

He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re on the can
He’ll hunt you down and blast your ass
from here to Pakistan.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Hanukkah
So much fun-ukah
To celebrate Hanukkah
Hanukkah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights.

Mr Hankey
The Christmas poo
He loves me
I love you
Therefore vicariously he loves you.

You better not breathe
You better not move
You’re better off dead
I’m telling you dude
Santa Claus is gunning you down!

In Japan they call him Annual Gift Man and he lives on the moon.

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

What gift do you get for the man who oversees everything?

We are on to you Santa! And we unmask you and heartily rebuke you! Get thee hence from our Christ’s birthday party!

Q: What did Santa say upon entering the house of ill repute?
A: Ho ho ho!