It’s a great time to be alive, people. There is a .com or .net site for absolutely any topic you can imagine.

• iamaconsumerwhore.net
• insomisbetterthanjames.com
• thereisnowebsiteatthisaddress.com

Verisign, blow this new money-grabbing, brain-amputated DNS service right out your arse.

Fact: There is a country north of Mexico called “The United States of America”.

Brought to you by Kewn’s World and the CIA World Factbook, but not the Kylie Minogue Fan Club.

The following paragraphs are from The Elements of Style by Strunk and White, the popular reference on proper writing in English. I don’t always agree with The Elements of Style, but this gave me a bit of a chuckle.

Like. Not to be confused for the conjunction as. Like governs nouns and pronouns; before phrases and clauses the equivalent word is as.

We spent the evening like in the old days. Chloë smells good, like a baby should.
We spent the evening as in the old days. Chloë smells good, as a baby should.

The use of like for as has its defenders; they argue that any usage that achieves currency becomes valid automatically. This, they say, is the way the language is formed. It is and it isn’t. An expression sometimes merely enjoys a vogue, much as an article of apparel does. Like has long been widely misused by the illiterate; lately it has been taken up by the knowing and well-informed, who find it catchy, or liberating, and who use it as though they were slumming. If every word or device that achieved currency were immediately authenticated, simply on the ground of popularity, the language would be as chaotic as a ball game with no foul lines. For the student, perhaps the most useful thing to know about like is that most carefully edited publications regard its use before phrases and clauses as simple error.

The key to getting through the day is not just having a nutritious breakfast, but also giving it time to settle before you leave the house.

And now, a link to a news page.

English is a living language. This means that a new word, adopted by a significant number of speakers, becomes a part of the language. Eventually your Oxford or your Merriam–Webster will recognise that fact and put it in the dictionary. Here’s some words that haven’t made it that far yet, and hopefully never will.

Crap New Words

1. metrosexual — a heterosexual man who is interested in things such as fashion and personal grooming despite being a man. As a society, we have realised that our archetype of the straight man was grossly inadequate, similarly to how a ‘bear’ confounds the idea of a typical homosexual. So, we’ve attempted to endear to the presentable bloke with a crappy new term, despite the fact that he has been around for far longer than the gay ‘clone’ movement, or the notion that gay men are required to be effeminate. How utterly ridiculous.

2. blog — a web journal, or a verb meaning to post to or maintain the same. I’m not one to shit where I eat, but I much prefer an existing English term than a contrived one that sounds like some kind of bodily function. Incidentally, no one’s yet come up with a clever neologism for me to refer to my handwritten logs, although ‘dead tree’ is popular with monitor-baked nerds who actually think that they are saving the environment by not using paper.

3. nu-metal — a sub-genre influenced by hip hop and rock music, generally closer to the latter due to the prominence of conventional instruments. Normally I would refer to a band as either rock or metal, and leave it at that—categorising further will either yield pointless, one band genres, or bands that sound too similar to each other to bother with. However, I admit that this new genre is broad enough to cover many worthwhile bands. In any case, the ‘nu’ prefix makes this word look a bit like a Webster reject. Try ‘Neo-metal’ or just plain ‘New Metal’.

4. machinima — a movie created within a computer game, having altered the game’s code to allow the characters to function as actors. Classic examples include Blahbalicious and the Ranger Gone Bad series, made using Quake. It’s a novel adaptation of the game, and the economic advantage of using a game over a proper 3D suite is plain to see. The emerging phenomenon was referred to as ‘Quake movies’, but a new term was needed as more advanced games became available. Some anime fanboy has tied a ribbon onto that bandwagon by making this word sound more Japanese than any Japanese word actually is. If I could switch off my curmudgeonly hatred of anime for just one second, I would point out that computer games are not machines.

Happy birthday, italiano—don’t celebrate too hard, you should be saving for Z.

Z commences tomorrow, July 1st. Photograms taken from the trip will be featured in the inaugural volume of Lachlan has a Digital Camera.

Props to Kryz for taking care of most of the travel arrangements. A winner is you.

I picked up some travel attire today including a space-age, water-proof, wind-proof jacket. I hope it’s theft and misplacement proof.

There’s about a dozen travel outfitters on Wickham Street, all adjacent to each other, and they all do very good business. This is an example of what one might call the McDonald’s Effect¹ .

Feels good to be travelling again. If you think it is cold in Brisbane at the moment, spare a thought for us landing in Christchurch tomorrow evening. Recently it has been as cold as –5°C, although it should stay above freezing when we are there.

¹  Obviously, I’m not talking about the same McDonald’s Effect whereby no two countries with a McDonald’s restaurant have been at war with each other, nor the one describing the idea that McDonald’s homogenises foreign cultures and makes Japanese people obese. This is a different one.

Recently, I have been trying to determine what effect, if any, that cutting caffeine out of my diet would have on my overall well-being.

After 56 days—eight weeks—I can say it was a worthwhile thing to do, and I would recommend it to anyone who thinks they need caffeine to function.

The reality of student life is that workloads are distributed unevenly, either by lecturers or via procrastination. Late nights are had, and an eye opener like coffee makes it easier to stave off fatigue.

The inevitable effect of caffeine consumption is that sleep becomes less rewarding. Hence, coffee starts becoming a daily morning requirement. Then it becomes a several times a day requirement. All the while, the body is becoming more and more accustomed to the adrenaline rush and the vitality each cup provides.

It’s a good idea to recognise this addiction as such, before it gets worse; all the time I hear about dudes that get a massive headache without their morning cup of joe. My rationale for quitting was simple: I have trouble sleeping properly anyway, so I may as well not waste my money on energy drinks that raise my heart rate and blood pressure for no meaningful reason.

My concentration and co-ordination have suffered a lot since then, so it turns out the brain required caffeine in order to be in top form. I play in a social squash competition; lately, I have been completely trashed on the court, making silly errors and generally playing like a spastic. I’ve also fallen a bit behind at university, which is ironic since I did this to help my studies.

With all this in mind, the best approach is “all things in moderation”. Therefore, I’ve stopped the decaf counter, and started simply being healthier in general. Which frees me to talk about some different shit on this website. Truly, a win–win situation for all concerned.

Father, it has been six weeks since my last coffee.

Try keeping away from caffeine indefinitely and see how you go. On Wednesday, I consumed two alcoholic beverages which, due to using Coke as a mixer, technically had caffeine in them. Also, I understand certain kinds of chocolate contain small amounts of caffeine.

It made me think about how difficult life must be for those who are severely allergic to certain chemicals found in food, ie. consume and die. I haven’t heard of caffeine doing that to someone in small amounts, but it’s plausible that there are loads of chemicals not commonly listed on food packaging that could be harmful to someone. Do these people have to grow their own food or what?

The new house move is nearly complete. I must say I’ve never seen a house with four air conditioners before.

It is time to go ISP searchin’. iiNet was cheap enough, and most of the reliability problems have been Telstra’s fault, but we tend to go for the more doomed ISPs, ones that offer such good deals that their business model will eventually fail, and we have to find a new one. Repeat ad infinitum.

All in all it has been a busy little time of year. The staff at Pancakes must be wondering where the hell I’ve been.

“My feelings—as usual—we will slaughter them all”

Henry Rollins flew into Brisbane for a couple of spoken word performances last week. I attended the Friday night session.

To the Rollins newb, what he proposes—to wit, pay money to listen to some anecdotes and observations for hours on end—may seem slightly lame without the proper context. In other words you have to hear it for yourself. If you aren’t entertained like I was, it’s most likely that he offended you instead. Kudos.

“Our initial assessment is that they will all die”

An interesting suggestion Henry made, is that the former Iraqi information minister, Mr. Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf, would be an ideal candidate for a leadership position in the US government once this war is over.

As the theory goes, Al-Sahaf—the spokesman who so steadfastly and smilingly proclaimed, despite all evidence to the contrary, that the invaders were getting the bejesus kicked out of them—would be the perfect man to boost morale by painting a rainbow on any domestic problems America may have. It’s a good theory, and one which the President himself has already given some thought.

“He’s my man, he was great. Somebody accused us of hiring him and putting him there”

How about it, America?

Starting tomorrow, it is time to move house again, back to premises close to uni. Rules #1 and #2 will apply.

To my dismay, I haven’t been nominated for a Webby in the category of Least Updated Site.

To the right are two new counters. The first shows the amount of time since I have consumed a caffeinated or “energy” beverage. I was somewhat of a addict to caffeine, so once I had shocked myself and the world by going one day without it, I decided to turn it into something of a game.

The other counter is the ‘Z countdown’, which I’ll expound upon later, when I’m in New Zealand, in approximately nine weeks’ time.

It doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence when the web site for the weblog software I am using is down.

One thing you can count on being online, though, is Cool Joe C’s photo guestbook—a good example of the quality of pictures a $60 webcam can take. My webcam cost that much and I must say I’m feeling pretty ripped off.

The photos I took at the Eden James album launch are online. Unfortunately James’ camera either wasn’t focusing correctly or had no depth of field, so they are fuzzy, but the colours are good. I should have taken the analogue.

insom.cx FAQ

What do you call a site which isn’t updated for three weeks?

You call it insom.cx.

I have been back at Uni for four (4) weeks so far, and I am working harder than I ever have before. Of course after four weeks you’re only just starting to get into it, whenceforth the whole thing starts looking rather daunting. Kewn has recently come up with a couple of Demotivator-style posters that I’m sure a lot of students will relate to.

So, in search of a motivatory motto for this semester, I had a look through the Aesop’s Fables—moral lessons with which most people would be familiar.

1. The best intentions will not always ensure success
2. Do not count your chickens before they are hatched
3. Nothing escapes the master’s eye
4. Better starve free than be a fat slave

Having pondered these and other woefully inappropriate morals, I decided upon the old favourite, Slow and steady wins the race.

Unusual Words

The aforementioned site will help YOU to expand your vocabulary, and horizons, with gems like these:

colposinquanonia — Estimating a woman’s beauty based on her chest
gynotikolobomassophilia — A proclivity for nibbling on women’s earlobes
tibialoconcupiscent — Having a lascivious interest in watching a woman put on stockings

There sure are a lot of big words about women. You probably won’t find any of these in your dictionary, but any boob with a diploma in etymology can write a dictionary. Consider the following about Noah Webster, the father of American English:

Webster believed in simplifying the spelling of words. He believed that children should learn to speak by pronouncing each syllable separately and clearly. Therefore silent letters such as the “u” in colour were discarded. Spellings such as “tough women” became “tuf wimmen”. Webster recommended some pretty radical phonetic spelling, such as “soop”, “fantom”, “tuf”, “hed”, “medecin” and “tung”. The dictionary sold very poorly, and Webster spent the rest of his life in poverty.

After Webster’s death in 1843, Charles and George Merriam bought the rights to his dictionaries and published the first Merriam–Webster dictionary in 1847. It was this dictionary, not Webster’s original, that became a runaway success all over America, and it left out many of Webster’s “improved” spellings.

It just goes to show how much American English sucks.

(Props to E2 for the quote)

UQ’s Big Gig was on once more.

Platform 6 got a small audience but rocked out nonetheless. Maybe at next year’s Gig they won’t have to go first.

Fellow locals The Daisycutters and Screamfeeder were also pretty good. The Screamfeeder guitarist soldiered on without his “D” string for a couple of songs, and Kellie’s bass rig dying for awhile probably gave some people a clue as to what a bass does.

Meanwhile, at the other stages, a hoarde of plebeians thrashed about to the compost of repetitive beeps and thuds commonly called dance music.

I sure have a lot on my plate this semester:

ECON1004 — Laughing As I Count My Money
LING1337 — Introduction to Alphanumeric English
COMS4263 — Advanced Sending My ISP Broke
CHEM3300 — Consuming an Ale

Ha ha, actually my real subjects are a bit of programming, a bit of databasing, and a whole lot of maths. Should be a challenge.

<Insom> now, to pen some dull, arrhythmous, self-important poetry entitled “Whilst”
<Insom> should be a barrel of laughs

<Dewi>  Whilst
<Dewi>  ——
<Dewi>  Whilst I am writing, so happy I’ll be
<Dewi>  But it will be making, a wanker of me.
<Dewi>  Whilst you’re all sleeping, I’m creating great rhyme
<Dewi>  But quite unlike me, you’ll be at work on time.
<Dewi>     – David “Dewi” Young.

Tune! The Beatles – Drive My Car – 2:30

Asked a girl what she wanted to be
She said baby, can’t you see
I wanna be famous, a star on the screen
But you can do something in between

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I’m gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And baby I love you

(Lennon/McCartney)

Props to James for performing his first live show in awhile and giving himself Parkinson’s in the process. Hopefully the hands will become accustomed to playing again.

Sure, guitar is all well and good, but when it really comes to skills, the bass is where it is at.

Dr Lachagon (Media Player, 1.4MB)
Dr Jamesenstein (Media Player, 1.0MB)

Can you dig it?

The astute or pedantic of you may have realised that I retired the Coup du Soleil moniker for this web site. It was something that percolated into being sometime around ‘97–‘98, and looking through some of these old images, I must have cooked up some bizarre marketing campaign using the name.

Recently, a company has has taken the liberty of registering DUSOLEIL.COM and offering it to me for the bargain-basement price of US $800.

Unfortunately you’re a few years late guys, but good luck with offering domain names to people who already have domain names in future.

Muhahahaha!

Rule #2. A new household must be without telecommunications for awhile until you get to know each other.

We have just got ourselves a phone line, after a week of living here. I am presently masking dial-up Internet to five people, people who are all accustomed to thrashing the bejesus out of cable. Broadband is coming but it might take awhile to arrive.

Find out more about the ordeal in my upcoming book, “Healthy Living”, a treatise on share housing and bachelorhood that will surprise and appal you.