It’s Christmas in Heaven
There’s great films on TV
The Sound of Music twice an hour
And Jaws I, II, and III.

Last Friday, Smalley totally dressed me down for wishing someone a Merry Christmas. I told him I thought we were supposed to say that, and he was like, “You’re supposed to say ‘Happy Holidays.’ It fosters an environment of religious inclusion.” I got a news flash for you, Smalley: It don’t make no difference if you tell them “Happy Ass Day.” They’re there to get a Christmas tree, not a holiday tree.

O Tuesday Night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night to watch TV and play cards.
Fall on your knees
And do a jigsaw puzzle
Just stay inside tonight
It’s half past nine.