Neil Young once said “it’s better to burn out than to fade away”. Today, Mark Latham has decided to burn out, taking the unprecedented step of resigning not only from the Labor Party leadership, and not only as a frontbencher, but as a bencher of any kind.

The powerbrokers are no doubt relieved to put away the dagger without having to plunge it into the man’s back, perhaps uncertain of being able to aim it away from the pancreas.

The question in everyone’s mind is, who on Earth is everyone in the ALP going to agree upon for a replacement leader? With Kim Beazley immediately putting his hand up, and Kevin Rudd sure to challenge even if just to provide a choice, it’s shaping up to be an interesting race.

Beazley

Garrett

Gillard

Kim Beazley (Member for Brand)
Bee’s Knees is basing his candidacy on experience and stability. He has 24 years of parliamentary experience—five years as Defence Minister, one as Deputy Prime Minister, and five as Opposition Leader—and he has quite stably presided over two election defeats. However, with Labor’s system of factions, Kim appears to be the only candidate with blend of charisma and political acumen that a statistically significant amount of the caucus can agree upon.

Kevin Rudd (Member for Griffith)
Despite receiving encouragement from some, Kevin decided to stay out of the last leadership ballot and vote for Kim instead, regretting only that he only had one vote to give for his erstwhile leader. It would now seem that he has another vote to give, and whilst Kevin is in Indonesia on tsunami business, he cannot be drawn on any leadership aspirations he may have. However, it has become apparent that, as shadow minister for foreign affairs, he is a hearty, well-tempered young diplomat, and it would be fantastic to see a Nambour boy in the Lodge.

Prime Ministers by State of origin

NSW

Barton, Page, Chifley, Holt, McMahon, Keating, Howard

Vic

Deakin, Bruce, Scullin, Menzies, Curtin, McEwen, Gorton, Whitlam, Fraser

Tas

Lyons

Q’ld

Fadden, Forde

SA

Hawke

Overseas

Watson, Reid, Fisher, Cook, Hughes

Two Queenslanders, and not even any good ones. Time for another!

Penny Wong (Senator for South Australia)
Hailed as one of the up-and-coming young women of Australian politics. She might look like a diminutive Chinese woman but she speaks with a strong, authoritative—and yes, Australian accented—voice. I could see her appealing to a broad range of voters, not just women and ethnics, but folks who would normally vote Liberal as well. What a pity she’s a senator.

Peter Garrett (Member for Kingsford Smith)
Sure, he may look like an eccentric bald weirdo, but he also has the distinction of having fronted Midnight Oil, and there is no doubt Australians love their Oils. Garrett is well-known for the conservationist message in his music, and as leader of a party determined to win government eventually, he would be in a prime position to do so, pun intended. He’s only been an MP for a month, but how much training do you need to be Opposition Leader anyway? The man has a huge team around him to guide everything he does and every decision he makes. Any smo could do it.

Julia Gillard (Member for Lalor)
There has been a lot of hype surrounding Gillard lately, and it is said that her supporters are having a sticky-beak around, seeing if she would have the numbers for a viable challenge. While it would be nice to have a (attractive) woman as the leader of a major political party and alternative prime minister, I tend to think that she is not quite politically mature enough yet. Her spinster status may also be an obstacle to her becoming leader, and for the time being at least, a closed-minded Australian electorate will probably feel the same way.

In sum, although it looks like a walkover for Beazley next Friday, there’s a veritable salad bar of talent and, knowing the Labor Party, there’ll be plenty of second helpings in the near future.

The big man goes for a medical check-up with a few buds

In the aftermath of the recent Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami, with the death toll in the six figures and millions left homeless, not once did I think, “Gee, I wish Mark Latham would chime in with yet another pointless, vacuous, and redundant statement from a public figure.” So his absence, although certainly surprising, has been somewhat refreshing.

It did occur to me briefly that in a situation like this, the leader of the opposition would usually express his party’s condolences and magnanimously agree with everything the government is doing, but it seemed like shadow cabinet was already handling that quite well.

The reason why Latham has not made any comment, it has since been revealed, is that he is suffering from acute pancreatitis, and is on strict doctor’s orders to take a rest. Now, bored right-wing troublemakers at The Australian say that he has blown it, and have invented a story that he is under immense pressure to resign.

Firstly, the title of the article, Latham should ‘do right thing and go’, places words in quotation marks that are not part of a quotation, thereby falsely representing an editorial opinion as something someone said.

[…] Many hope the increasingly isolated Labor leader will “do the right thing for the party and his family”.

Is that right? In that case, I’m sure the authors will provide us with some examples of who the “many” are, and attribute the quotation to someone. Oh wait.

Big fella, til you get back to health, you can rest as long as you want, and wherever you want. Shame on you journalism students for kicking the man while he’s down.

Another new year, another Banished Words List from Lake State. A pretty safe listing, influenced by the wars and the recent presidential election. A timely addition is the -izzle speak, popularised by rapper Snoop Dogg, and now seen in everything from superannuation ads to breakfast cereals.

“It was clever for about five minutes, or should I say five ‘minizzles?’”
– R. Glover, Waterford, Michigan, USA

Perhaps more satisfying was the banishment of blog. Having banished it already myself, it’s good to see the pioneers of linguistic arrogance are on board as well.

Guy Sebastian enjoying himself with Larry, Mel, and Kochy.

As I watched last night’s simulcast—three television networks showing the World Vision tsunami benefit concert and telethon—I contemplated how much of a donation I would have to pledge to get it taken off the air. A ton of Australian television identities had been enlisted to man the phones; despite hanging up on Shannon Noll and about 150 others, I never did manage to get through to Aphrodite from Big Brother 4.

Meanwhilst, Tim Costello explained that he was overturning World Vision’s normal policy—the one about not accepting money from the sale of arms, alcohol, gambling, or pornography—because the urgency of this particular humanitarian need trumps any moral unease on the source of the money. I felt Costello’s old-school prejudices start to melt away as a donor offered $10,000 to see Rove and Bert Newton lock lips, and I reckoned it was only a matter of time before someone ponied up the dough for Sandra Sully and Izzy from Neighbours to do likewise.

Which leads me to ask—where does World Vision draw the line? For instance, World Vision is well-known for its work in Africa. Tony Blair remarked last week that Africa has “the equivalent of a man-made, preventable tsunami every week”. On that continent, war, and its attendant poverty and disease, continue to rub out human life at an enormous pace.

Howard pledges one billion dollars.

However, the question has to be asked of the rest of us, too. A single three-hour telethon raised over $15 million; the Australian government will be helping out Indonesia to the tune of $1 billion. Why do we care so much about this disaster, whilst largely ignoring the ongoing disaster in Africa?

Firstly, sympathy fatigue. European and other rich nations have a duty to assist Africa, because a lot of the current problems result from European powers’ colonising the heck out of the place, and leaving incompetent dictators in charge upon departure. Actually, in the case of Belgian Congo, pretty much no-one was left in charge. The ensuing power vacuum caused untold war and death in the following decades up to this point in time.

So, for as long as I can remember, Western nations have provided a steady stream of reparations to their ex-colonies, Live Aid–style benefits have appealed to the yuppie conscience, and NGOs appeal to the rest of us with footage of starving kids from wherever. Meanwhile, indistinct ethnic groups and belligerent warlords continue to spoil the party and keep Africa poor in both money and livelihood.

Point is, the West is tired of waiting for Africa to stop fighting itself and get its shit together. We will certainly continue giving them a hand, but at least Asia, notwithstanding the insurgencies in Sumatra and Sri Lanka, is somewhat stable.

Things like strife and poverty just aren’t spectacular as a tidal wave is, meaning kids are less likely to phone Casey Donovan to pledge the contents of their piggy banks. It has been said that the tsunami has attracted more aid because it involved widespread, visible destruction. Images of smashed cities, and the frightening prospect of white people losing their loved ones, have brought out the benevolent best in us all.

Happy new year to anyone who still reads my website.

I would like to say that I spent the new year drinking^* with friends, just as God intended, and trying to play bass, and convincing everyone present that I was competent at doing so, even though it is a fact that you cannot hold it down on the bass when you have been consuming.

It would seem that the Brisbane fireworks were over in something like three minutes, and from where I’m standing, it was something of a disappointment. There is a bit of a trend for Australian cities to give away their New Year fireworks celebration expenses to the victims of the recent tsunami disaster in Asia, but considering that by this stage, the pyrotechnicians’ services have surely already been paid for, it would be a bit stupid. You can’t take money away from people who have already spent it, and you can’t remunerate disaster victims with explosives.

See you at Kewnstock.

If you’ve got girl problems, I’ll be there for you son.
I’ve got 99 problems, and a bitch ain’t one.

Lachlan

^* alcohol