According to an article in the Daily Telegraph, Bundaberg Rum’s polar bear may be an irresponsible choice of mascot for the distiller. So says the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre (NDARC).

As the logic goes, children like talking animals, and the blokey Bundy bear may influence the kiddlywinks to put down their Pokemons and Britney Spears CDs and have a go at Mum and Dad’s liquor cabinet instead.

The polar bear (Ursus Maritimus) is the largest land carnivore. The males grow to over 2.5 metres in length, and have been known to weigh more than a small car. This makes them roughly 20 times heavier than your average child, and twice as long.

Polar bears love to eat. This includes meals, snacks, high teas, luncheons; anything to put on weight for hibernation. Although they prefer seafood, they are probably quite open-minded to the possibility of human meat as well. They can smell you from miles away, and can run and swim faster than man.

The idea of a child cuddling one is absurd, as merely approaching the beast would be provocation.

No doubt, the NDARC is an important body, with intelligent people genuinely trying to make a difference. But I feel that the Bear is a victim of political correctness. Meanwhile, something far more insidious, featured in practically all alcohol advertising in this country, threatens to corrupt our children: bogans.

If you believe television, you’d probably think every adult male who drinks alcohol is a bogan. Or an emasculated urban bloke who has to make an excuse to the wife whenever he wants to have a drink with his chums, who are all likewise emasculated. With role models like these, kids don’t have a lot of hope.

Therefore, I propose to the NDARC to stop slandering poor Bundy, and take action on the real issue that is the bogan.